All of these parts of anger can affect each other and
anger can spiral out of control. Angry behaviour can cause an angry
response from others. Bodily signs of anger can lead us to feel out of
control and this can make our mood worse. Angry ‘hot' thoughts can make
us feel more enraged.
Does a similar vicious circle of anger happen to you? Try and draw it out.
2. What causes anger?
Anger
can vary from mild irritation to intense fury and rage. As with all
emotion, bodily changes go with it – heart rate goes up, blood pressure
goes up as our body is prepared for “fight or flight” (to get away).
It can be caused by reacting to things outside us such as other people or events (such as the traffic jam in the first example) or by worrying over our own personal problems. Upsetting memories from
the past can lead to angry thoughts and feelings. It is important to
note that it is not people or events that make you angry it is your reaction to them that makes you angry.
What things tend to trigger your anger?
-
Outside (people, event)
- Inside (thoughts, worries, memories)
Some
people tend to be more angry than others. Research has shown that they
have a low tolerance for frustration. They can’t take things in their
stride. It may be that some people are naturally more like this from
birth, but it may also be that they have not learned to handle anger
and to express their feelings in other ways.
Some people come
from families that are poor at handling emotion and talking, families
where levels of anger are high. These people are more likely to have
difficulties with anger.
Getting very angry is never helpful and
the belief that it can make you feel better is not true. Research has
found that if you let your anger loose it can get out of control. Being
angry means you do not learn to handle the situation. It is best to
begin to understand your anger and gain control over it.
In summary
Anger affects the way we feel, think and behave. It causes a number of symptoms in our body. It can be caused by our reactions to things happening around us or by our own thoughts and worries.
We may be more likely to be angry by nature or may never have learned
to control our anger and express our feelings more helpfully.
CONTROLLING ANGER
1. Angry Thoughts
We
have seen that thoughts can make us feel angry, but often people who
have a problem with anger do not notice these angry thoughts. It is
important in trying to gain control over anger, that we begin to
recognise and challenge those thoughts.
‘Hot' thoughts‘
Hot thoughts’ are angry thoughts that flash into your mind and make you
feel worse. People tend to have similar thoughts happening again and
again, for example:
- “He is so stupid”
- You’re making a fool of me”
- “You’re selfish”
- “I want to hurt you”
- “I hate this place”
Do you have similar angry thoughts? – jot them down....
These “hot” thoughts are often backed up by ways of negative thinking. It may help you to decide if you are making any of the following thinking errors.
Thinking Errors
a) Taking things personally
People who are angry often take things personally and feel hurt by it.
They look for and expect criticism from other people. If, for example,
someone doesn’t speak to them in a shop they may feel that person
dislikes them, when in fact it may be that he or she is just shy or
worried. If someone looks over at them they may think “he thinks I’m
stupid”, when in fact the person is just glancing over without any such
thought.
Do
you think you sometimes take things personally and feel hurt or angry,
when it may have little to do with you? - jot down some recent
examples...
b) Ignoring the positive
People who get angry tend to focus their thinking on negative or bad
events and ignore positive or good events. In the examples at the
beginning of the booklet. Michelle thought about one small accident
that had happened but did not think about the half hour of quiet play
before it. This is often a problem for people who get angry with those
close to them.
Do you sometimes ignore the positive? – jot down some recent examples...
c) Perfectionism
People who become angry often expect too much from themselves or those
around them. If these standards are not met, then they feel badly let
down and hurt. This hurt becomes anger. For example, Mary has a friend
who had agreed to go on holiday with her but let her down at the last
minute. Mary felt the friend had failed her and decided that she did
not want to see her again. This was despite the fact that the friend
was good to her on many other occasions.
Do you sometimes expect perfection from yourself or others? – jot down some examples...
d) Black and white thinking
Thinking in black and white, all or nothing terms is common in people who get very angry.
This
is particularly a problem when it comes to knowing how firm to be with
people. For example, John has a friend Paul who had borrowed money from
him. John was quite happy to offer this loan and thought, “Paul is a
good mate; I know I can trust him”. Paul has not offered to repay it
after two weeks and John, who didn’t like to mention it, has begun to
think ,“He is taking a lend, he thinks I’m a soft touch, an idiot”. He
becomes angry and the next time he sees Paul he begins to shout and
make threats about what he will do if the money is not repaid,
immediately. He thinks: “If I don’t show him, he’ll take me for a
ride”. It might have been better for both, if John had taken a middle
approach and firmly asked Paul to repay the money earlier, rather than
saying nothing or becoming very angry in response to the thought “He’s
taking a lend”.
Do you sometimes think in black and white all or nothing terms? – jot down any recent examples...
If
you find yourself making thinking errors like those mentioned above, it
can help to try and think more balanced thoughts. One way of doing this
is to write two columns, one for angry thoughts and the other for a
more balanced though. For example:
| Angry Thoughts |
Balanced Thoughts |
| “He is looking over here at me and thinks I’m stupid” |
“He is looking over here but I don’t know what he is really thinking” |
| “They always let me down” |
"They sometimes behave badly but at times they are really ok” |
| “She just doesn’t care about me, she is selfish” |
“I know she let me down, but she does care, she usually tries to be kind. |
Write
down some of your thoughts now and write as many answers or balanced
thoughts as you can. The aim is to get faster at catching these “hot
thoughts” when they come into your head and answering back straight
away. It takes a lot of practice but really does work.
- Angry Thoughts
- Balanced Thoughts
Beliefs about anger that can be unhelpful
Some people hold beliefs that make it harder for them to bring their
anger under control. The beliefs sometimes excuse anger or make it seem
the only response. The beliefs are sometimes held because of life
experiences or personal values. People may have lived with these
beliefs for so long that they accept them without question, but it is
important to question them to help overcome anger.
Here are some examples of these unhelpful beliefs and ideas on how to challenge and question them.
I can’t control my anger, my father was angry and it is something I inherited from him
This is the idea that anger is something you can’t change – it’s in
your makeup, something you were born with. It is an excuse, that lets
you off the hook in terms of controlling your anger. We know that some
people are born with tendencies to be more emotional, fearful, angry or
sad. The way we react to these emotions however is learned, and we can
tackle our own angry behaviour by changing the way we respond to events
and people.
If I don’t let my anger out I’ll explode
It has long been a popular belief that some emotions and drives build
up, like steam in a pressure cooker and need some way out or else they
become harmful. If you hold this point of view losing your temper could
be seen as something healthy. But we know from research that people are
often left feeling much worse after losing control of anger. Shouting,
hitting, slamming doors can all increase and strengthen feelings of
anger.
If you don’t show anger you’re either a saint or a wimp
This is an example of black and white thinking. You think that if
you’re not angry and aggressive then you’re a hopeless wimp. But the
best way to deal with situations, both for yourself and those around
you, is not to be angry and out of control, but to be firm, sure and in
control – to be assertive.
My anger is something people fear and it stops them taking advantage of me
This belief sees anger as a protector and other people as dangerous. It
may be that this belief was correct at a particular time of your life,
but if you continue to think this way, it can cause problems. Good
friendships are not formed on fear and you will be unlikely to have
good friendships and relationships because of your angry behaviour. It
is also likely to backfire, where others with problems of anger will
see you as threatening and possibly pick fights with you.
If I get angry it takes my anxiety away
This belief is often found in people who have been the victims of
violence or aggression. It is better to try and tackle your anxiety by
other ways rather than exchanging one unpleasant emotion for another.
Anxiety can only be overcome by facing what you fear and finding ways
of overcoming it.
I have good reason to be angry because of things other people have done to me
Anger is a natural reaction when we are mistreated or taken advantage
of. But if this anger continues into all areas of your life then it
will cause difficulties for you. If the mistreatment took place a long
time ago and the people who did it are no longer in your life it may
help to ask “where does this anger get menow?”.
In summary
We need to look carefully at the angry “hot thoughts” we have and try to see if we are making errors in the way we view situations. It can help to try and have more balanced thoughts. We also need to examine long held beliefs about our anger and challenge those, which are unhelpful. Remember, logic can defeat anger.
2. Controlling the physical symptoms of anger?
Relaxation
and calming methods can help to reduce angry feelings. If you are with
a partner who also becomes angry it may help if you both learn these
relaxation techniques. You need to learn to use the following
approaches automatically if you are in a difficult situation.
Reducing physical symptoms
In order to
reduce the severity of physical symptoms it is useful to “nip them in
the bud”, by recognising the early signs of tension and anger. Once you
have noticed early signs of tension you can prevent anger becoming too
severe by using relaxation techniques. Some people can relax through
exercise, listening to music, watching TV, or reading a book. Picturing
a pleasant scene in your mind can also help.
For others it is
more helpful to have a set of exercises to follow. Some people might
find relaxation or yoga classes most helpful, others find tapes/CDs
useful. You may be able to obtain a relaxation tape/CD from your GP,
and there are also a wide number of relaxation tapes/CDs available in
the shops. A booklet available in this series also describes how to use
relaxation.
Remember relaxation is a skill like any other and
takes time to learn. Keep a note of how angry you feel before and after
relaxation, rating your anger 1-10.
Controlling breathing
It is very common when
someone becomes angry for changes to occur in their breathing. They can
begin to gulp air, thinking that they are going to suffocate, or can
begin to breath really quickly. This is called over-breathing, it has
the effect of making them feel dizzy and therefore more tense. It can
lead to unpleasant feelings but is not dangerous.
Try to
recognise if you are doing this and slow your breathing down. Getting
into a regular rhythm of “in two-three and out two-three” will soon
return your breathing to normal. Some people find it helpful to use the
second hand of a watch to time their breathing.
3. Controlling angry behaviours
If we look back to the vicious circle of anger (described earlier), it becomes clear that if we can challenge our angry thoughts and reduce the physical symptoms of anger then
we should not get to the point where we begin to behave angrily. No one
is perfect however! If we do not manage the previous stages it helps to
have ideas on how to tackle the angry behaviours we might normally
show. We can do this is three stages:
Stage 1
Be very clear what your angry behaviours are – what comes before them and what happens afterwards. It can help to keep a diary over a short period to help you understand this.
For
example, Alex continually ‘blows his top‘ in home, work and social
situations, he has tried to understand this by keeping a diary of what
happens on these occasions, this is what he has found:
|
Before my anger
|
Initial thoughts and feelings
|
Behaviour
|
What happened afterwards
|
|
Monday 12 May
Partner asked me to let her
know what time I would be in
|
Angry feelings. Thought “she doesn’t trust me”
|
Stormed out and slammed
the door
|
She wouldn’t speak to me for
the rest of the day
|
|
Tuesday 13 May
At work someone says our section has less to do than
theirs
|
Feel angry. Thought “who does he think he is, what does he
know?”
|
Shouted “shut your face” and walked off
|
Everyone staring at me – people looking later in the
canteen as I
pass by
|
It is clear from his notes collected over the week that Alex deals with conflict and angry thoughts and feelings by angry behaviours and leaving the situation.
Stage 2
Make a list of all the other things
you can do instead of behaving angrily. When you have done this choose
the best new approach to try in difficult situations. Here is Alex’s
list as an example.
- Excuse myself and leave the situation for a minute, “I’ll be back in a minute”, return when calmer.
- Take a deep breath and relax self for a second.
- Ask the other person to let me know why they have said something,
try and understand them ask, “Why do you want me to let you know when
I’ll be in?,” “Why do you say our section is doing less?”
- Ask the other person to sit down and talk about it . Say, “Let’s get a cup of tea and talk about it ...”
Alex decided to try and use numbers two and three to tackle the difficult situations.
Stage 3
Try to adopt the new behaviour in
situation where you feel angry. Keep a diary of how it went. This is
Alex’s diary of this stage:
|
Before my anger
|
Initial thoughts and feelings
|
Behaviour
|
What happened afterwards
|
|
Monday 23 June
Partner asked me to help out
with the shopping on Thursday
|
Angry feelings. Thought “she knows I always meet the lads
on Thursday nights, she is trying to control me”
|
Tried new behaviour took
a deep breath – relaxed and
said, “why have you asked me that?”
|
She said that week she was
doing an extra shift and if I
couldn’t help we’d have no
food in for the weekend, I said “OK, I’ll go out later than usual on
Thursday”
|
As you can see for Alex this new behaviour helped to avoid an argument, which is what would usually have happened.
Helpful ideas for changing angry behaviours can be:
- Use a quick relaxation and/or breathing exercise.
-
Timing – if you tend to get angry at certain times when you
talk to someone eg at night, try and talk to them calmly at different
times of the day.
- If particular things make you angry – it may be you can avoid them,
eg don’t travel to the shops when you know you’ll get stuck in traffic
for ages. If you hate to sit in when your partner watches sport, plan
something else at that time. If you hate his friend don’t be around
when the friend is there.
-
Count to ten before responding.
- Go for a quick walk.
- Ask yourself at the time “Why is this making me angry?”
- Ask yourself at this time, “Is this worth getting angry about?”
- Use calming self statements in your head, eg “calm down”, “getting mad won’t help”, “just forget it”..
In summary
In order to control angry behaviours you need to:
-
Know what your angry behaviours are.
- Decide what other behaviours might take the place of your angry behaviour.
- Try out these new behaviours.
4. Problem Solving
Sometimes real worries and stress can make us more irritable and angry. A problem solving approach may help in this.
A good way to begin is to write down a
problem. Describe it as clearly as you can, for example “I never have
any money”, is too vague, something like “I owe £3000 to different
credit card companies”, is more helpful. Next, write down as many possible solutions as
you can. It doesn’t matter how silly you may think the solutions are,
the point is to think of as many as you can. Try to think how you have
solved similar problems in the past. Ask a friend what they might do.
Think to yourself what you might advise a friend to do if they had the
same problems, eg possible solutions:
- Get all debts on one loan with less interest.
- Agree on affordable payments.
- See a debt counsellor.
- Get a part time job.
- Sell car.
If you have a problem that may be making you anxious, try writing it below:
Now list as many possible solutions as you can:
Choose
what seems like the best solution and write down all the steps it would
take to achieve the solution. Who might help?, what might go wrong?,
often it is helpful to think “what is the worst thing that could
happen?”. If you can think of a plan to cope with this, your anxiety
might reduce.
If you are trying to come up with a plan to tackle
a problem that has been worrying you for some time, it is often helpful
to discuss this with a friend or even your doctor.
Stressful lifestyle – general tips
Nowadays
life is often stressful, and it is easy for pressures to build up. We
can’t always control the stress that comes from outside but we can find
ways to reduce the pressure we put on ourselves:
- Try to identify situations you find stressful by noticing the beginnings of tension.
- Take steps to tackle what it is about these situations that you find stressful.
- ake sure you have time for things you enjoy.
- Take up a relaxing hobby.
- Make sure you get enough sleep.
- Eat a well balanced diet.
- Take regular exercise.
- Learn to relax.
5. Communication
We have learned in the section of
this guide on thinking errors that angry people tend to take things
personally and will often jump to conclusions it is therefore important
to try and improve communication skills so that misunderstandings that
lead to anger are less likely to happen. Here are a few tips on
improving communication skills.
-
Slow down and listen to the other person – don’t rush in and say the first thing that comes to mind.
-
Don’t jump to conclusions about what the other person is
saying or thinking; ask them to tell you more about what they are
trying to say. Don’t try to mind-read.
- If someone is sounding defensive or critical, don’t immediately fight back. Try and understand the feelings behind
what is being said. It may be that the person feels afraid, hurt or
unloved. If you can keep calm and try and find out more about how the
other is feeling then a row or fight can be avoided.
- Try and express or talk about what your feelings really are, rather
than going into angry words. Most often what is behind anger is fear,
hurt or frustration. Of course you need to try and be clear in your own
mind first, why you feel angry.
6. Long term beliefs
Sometimes people have long held
views about themselves that are very self critical – for example “I’m
not a very loveable person” or “I’m not a very clever person”. These
beliefs are often a product of past experiences, especially if there
has been a lot of anger, criticism or violence in our lives. The
beliefs hold no truth for the present time and it helps to stop this
self criticism. These beliefs can make you more sensitive and this in
turn may lead to anger towards yourself or others. Try not to knock
yourself down, look at the good things about yourself not the bad,
don’t stick with negative beliefs that are there because of unhappy
times in your past.
In Summary
How can I help myself overcome anger and aggression?
- Recognise your angry thoughts and begin to challenge them.
-
Challenge any unhelpful thoughts or beliefs that don’t allow you to let go of anger.
- Use relaxation and other ways to control the physical symptoms of anger.
- Understand and control angry behaviour, try new calmer actions.
- Improve communication and problem solving skills.
- Do not allow yourself to continue with long term critical beliefs about yourself.
Where can I get further help?
We hope you
will use the exercises suggested in this guide. They may help you
overcome anger and aggression. If you feel you are making little
progress or the problem is getting worse then seek help in overcoming
your problem. Your GP is the best person to talk to first. Your GP may
suggest a talking treatment or tablets or both. He or she may suggest
you see a mental health worker who can offer expert help with your
problems.
If you feel so distressed that you have thoughts of
harming yourself or you feel you are at risk of harming others, then
visit your doctor as soon
as possible and explain to him or her how you are feeling.
The following organisations and help lines may also be useful:
MIND – The Mental Health Charity
15-19 Broadway, London SE6 1BE
Tel: 0845 7660 163
National Debt Line.
Help for anyone in debt or concerned they may fall into debt.
Tel: 0808 808 4000 (freephone)
Relate – help with marital or relationship problems.
Relate, Herbert Grey College, Little Church Street, Rugby, Warwickshire CV21 5AP
Tel: 0845 456 1310
Samaritans Linkline (local rate)
Confidential support for anyone in a crisis.
Tel: 08457 90 90 90
© EMIS and PiP 2008 Updated: 23 May 2008
